Happened. Yeah so I got married last Saturday. Twas an interesting time!!!

Here are things that surprised me:

1. Setting up reception and the ceremony rehearsal was stressful!

We set up the entire reception room, even bringing all the food into the kitchen's fridge, the day before the wedding. After five hours of unloading, organizing, setting up centerpiece bouquets, arranging the candy table, etc, we had the rehearsal. For some reason Gray's parents and my parents neglected to communicate with each other as much as possible. My stress was showing that night. I snatched the box of programs from my mom when she was trying to give them to the coordinator. I feel really really bad still about that behavior.  I said sorry immediately, realizing what I did.

2. My mom cried

When the music started and the wedding party was starting to walk down the aisle, my mom started crying. She said it was the song (Largo by Handel). She started walking away because she needed a tissue. I was like...ummm it's too late for that!

Why I'm surprised: my mom never really shows her emotions, except for stress and anxiety. At the rehearsal she was definitely showing stress: she said some pretty rude things about some of the Catholic aspects of the church. I'm still dealing with those comments--they cut pretty deep. I became Catholic a year ago and she's clearly not going to ever be okay with it.

3. Gray genuinely liked my bridal look

Gray always says he doesn't care for formal clothes, and that he doesn't like me in dresses. I think that's the Asperger's and just his sense of aesthetics. He said "You in a fancy dress with your hair different and makeup and jewelry... that's not the girl I fell in love with." We didn't have a big reveal on the wedding day, nor did I hide from him until the ceremony (what a hassle that would be!) but we were alone for a bit at the church before our families arrived, and when I got out of the dressing room with the dress on, he said I looked beautiful. I don't think he'll ever know how much that meant to me.

4. I was not nervous for the ceremony at all!?

In the hour before the ceremony we took pictures and I greeted guests as they came in, which probably threw them off because usually the bride hides. I was just really happy to see them. I think it made me less nervous. I had no butterflies or jitters or stomach sickness (my usual nervous reaction). The only other time I did something nerve-racking and miraculously didn't feel nervous at all was the talent show I did when I was 17, singing a song I wrote. Sometimes when I'm doing something that's completely me, that I'm completely proud of, I have no reason to feel nervous I guess.

5. I didn't eat any of my food really

I gave Gray a slice of ice cream cake and had one myself. Then I didn't eat anything else except a half plate of fruit that I forgot about completely after putting it down to take some pictures. We had SO MUCH CANDY left over but we didn't take any of it. Probably for the best...but it's ironic because it was pretty much all my favorite foods.

6. Everyone seemed perfectly happy with our wedding even though we did almost none of the traditions.

We didn't cut the cake (I cut a cake and someone tried to take a picture before realizing I wasn't cutting the cake), we had no receiving line, no alter kiss, no guest book, no grand entrance, no bridal toss, no garter, no dancing. We did have crayons and paper and I managed to talk to most all of the guests, who said the ceremony was beautiful and meaningful and real. I think most of them liked the brevity and casual feel of the wedding. They were leaving by 4:30.

7. I told my parents I loved them

for the first time! When I was hugging them after they walked me down the aisle. It popped out. They

didn't say it back.

I think it turned out to be everything I wanted and I didn't know I wanted most of it. But the kind words do mean a lot. I enjoyed the reception and Gray was pretty much fine throughout all of it. I'm thankful it is over and the last three days have been just making our new apartment liveable. It's beyond liveable! It's kickass now!

This warrants a second post. I miss things so badly right now.  I have had so much free time this week and it makes me miss things.

I miss my mom. I can't figure that out other than I feel I'm losing her by getting married. Maybe that's why weddings are such a huge deal for parents.  I just really started enjoying my mom's company. We knit together and I can handle her opinion now without losing mine and she's got such a good head on her shoulders.  I'm going to cry.

I miss my sisters. I want to know them better. One lives far away in Florida and the other just got engaged and she seems so happy. I miss living with her and goofing off in our room in sixth grade, listening to the radio which played backstreet boys and sugar ray and savage garden. 

I miss my nephew. He is growing up in Florida and I never get to see him. My sister's son.

I miss my fiance. Intensely. Beyond ready to start my life with him.

I miss my friends.  I never really had the best or most supportive group of friends until the last couple years. I miss being near them. I miss feeling special and supported and a part of something. I think I'm just really lonely right now.

I miss my cat.

I even miss my Dad with his stupid asshole racist comments that he doesn't know are racist. Gah.

I keep eating chocolate and I know it's because I miss things. (It only helps a tiny bit.)